“My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage.” -Aunt Frances, Practical Magic
“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
After taking a brief hiatus from my blog, I wanted to write something impactful. Something that was worthy of the wait. Something that I feel can touch people on an even deeper level. And I believe the only way to really do that is through vulnerability. Through total honesty and baring of the soul. While I feel I have touched on that throughout my previous blog posts, I have learned that there is always more.
The last month has been a whirlwind for me to say the least. I completed a 7-day advanced meditation retreat in Cancun, Mexico where I came face to face with some serious deep programming and beliefs within my soul. Only to go face to face with it in the 3D world upon returning home. I believe, a chance to deal with and let go of some beliefs once and for all. After getting very physically sick for about 8 days (more details in my next blog post!) and coming out on the other end, something magical happened. Something I have been envisioning for some time. Something I wasn’t sure would ever happen at some points throughout the last 6 months. I picked my 2 kids up at the Philadelphia airport to stay with me for 3 weeks.
There is a reason I haven’t touched on where my life is now when it comes to them. It is a very tough subject for me and something I know creates a lot of judgement, discourse, and controversy…all things I try to keep out of my life now as much as possible.
But for me, this post is more than just that conversation. It is a real baring of my soul and an open letter to all those in “hiding” that feel alone, different, judged, misunderstood. A quote that I am reminded of constantly is something along the lines of, this path isn’t an easy one; if it was, everybody would be doing it. In fact there are many more out there by hundreds of spiritual leaders, motivational speakers, and teachers alike that all touch on choosing your path and being brave enough to follow it, no matter who tells you you’re wrong or you can’t.
The last year of my life has been….well…I can’t even think of a word to describe it. Wonderful, scary, chaotic, joy, friendships, healing, LOVE. And of course while there is still the scary and chaotic, the good words outweigh the uncomfortable ones.
I’ve come to realize in this time that no matter the path you choose, whether it be a spiritual one, a career decision, who you choose for your partner, what you choose for your passion, where you decide to live, how you decide to live your life, there will ALWAYS be people, family, loved ones, that will not agree and/or try to stop you from making those decisions. And something I realized even more? It has nothing to do with you or the path you are choosing and everything to do with them and their own limiting beliefs and fears.
Why do you think it’s so hard for someone to “come out of the closet” or choose a career that some may feel is a waste of time or will amount to nothing. The same reason I was so scared for so long to post things on my Facebook page that had anything to do with spirituality, meditation, or enlightenment. That deep inner fear of what people will think of you. Of who you may lose along the way. Of how you won’t “fit in” anymore. Of how you may end up alone. And guess what? I know from experience all those things really can happen. But if you want anything to change in your life, you have to make a change. And that may require you to do some things that are really uncomfortable at first:
People will judge you. Since starting on my own “spiritual path” I have had people I love, that have known me my whole life, family members tell me how wrong I am in the decisions I have made. I have been called horrible names by them. I have had court documents state that I may be crazy and most likely a drug addict. I have felt judgement in the face of people I never thought would judge me. I have felt the resentment of my own child that couldn’t understand why I had to choose this path or why I had to leave a life he had known most of his.
You will lose people along the way. I know this to be true. It wasn’t something I expected to happen in such an extreme way, but nonetheless, it happened. Family that I have been close with my entire life. The one person I believed would always be by my side, no matter what even if “I killed someone”. I have even lost my kids in a physical sense. My son, who is amazing beyond words, who doesn’t fit in this world, who is brighter and better than most people I know, who I have been extremely close to his whole life, now lives with his father. A man who represents the complete opposite of trusting in the unknown and believing in a vision you can’t see. A man who represents, to me, the complete opposite of what I do. But it is not about me or the man who I see. It’s about my son being with his father. It’s about trusting my son in the decisions he makes instead of making them for him. Its about trusting in an outcome regardless of what it may look like right now.
You won’t fit in anymore. Oh man, I could write a whole blog post on just this. In fact all of these could practically be their own book! The more I go down this path, the more of a reality this really is for me. Because of the experiences I have had, the people I have met, and the way I live my life now, I cannot relate to most people anymore. And I most definitely don’t fit in with society. I can’t have the “normal” conversations most women, mom’s, and people in general have on a day to day basis. I don’t choose to talk about politics or entertainment, or how my life sucks because of this or that. I don’t even watch the news or really any TV anymore! I don’t want to talk about how much of a victim everyone is to their lives. I just don’t live my life that way anymore. I want to have REAL conversations. I want to talk about passions, about changing the world by how we are changing ourselves. I want to talk about magic and creations in our lives. I want to talk about our future selves and how much love we experience from following our passions. I want to talk about the mystical and how we experience it in our lives. I want to talk about trusting in the unknown and how that has shown up for us. About watching our kids grow on a soul level and allowing them to do so! Do you think these conversations would make me popular at a PTA meeting? Or most meetings for that matter. To be honest, it can be physically painful at times as I know it’s just me trying to fit in a square hole when I was not meant for that. I’m all shapes and all sizes, as we all are. I had a huge realization recently about my teenage years and why I really was so “depressed” and had 2 suicide attempts by the age of 16. I was desperately trying to fit in, to do the normal things kids my age did, while all the while, my soul was trying to show me something completely different. I just wasn’t strong enough to listen or ready. And trust me, there were many people along the way trying to remind me of who I really am inside. Of who we all really are inside. But I had to discover that on my own. I had to be willing to not fit in with anyone or anything to find that inner peace and purpose.
You may end up alone. I think this is a deep inner fear we all share as humans. Because the human experience is about relationships and sharing experiences together. Of feeling love together. While we are all alone on our journey, we still need others beside us along the way. I remember after coming home from one of my meditation workshops last October, I had a coach that helped me with integrating all the work I had been doing in these workshops and in myself into my life. When reading through our contract I signed, one of the first bullet points read, “I realize that others may not easily understand or relate to this and at times I may have limited support having to find my own way to achieve my outcomes.” I discussed this with him and it was very important to him that I find ways to deal with the “loneliness” that can come at times. IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY TO WALK YOUR PATH. There were many times I felt alone and sometimes still do. But I also realize that those are just years and years and lifetimes before of conditioning that I am releasing and letting go of. Its parts of me I say goodbye to so that the good parts can come in. And that can feel lonely at times. But I know from experience, we are never alone.
No one has to understand the choices you make or the life you choose to live. In fact, you should never expect everyone to. How do you know the journey they may have picked for this lifetime? They may have things they need to overcome and maybe in making the decisions you have, it has or will help them uncover some deep buried beliefs they have at some point. No one can ever understand your decisions until they have seen them through your eyes. That is the burden you have to bear when making a choice others don’t agree with or following your heart when others follow with their head. Just because they can’t see your future vision doesn’t mean you should stop seeing it. And you know what the best part is? For every one person you may lose or the times you feel completely alone, there will be 2 more that remind you why you choose the path you do every day. That reminds you that your vision is possible instead of all the reasons why it isn’t. That love you because you aren’t “normal” instead of only accepting you if you are. I have had those people come into my life and I will tell you, it’s like you have known them for lifetimes instantly. It’s a deeper connection than your own family because they know you on a soul level.
I left my “old life” because I had an experience that forever changed me to my core. It is something that words will never do justice. Something that showed me I really was always right. I didn’t fit in and why would I want to? That all I really am is love. And some people just aren’t ready to take that leap to find that love. It is scary to take that leap because it is unknown and goes against what many people believe is or isn’t real. But not only did I get to find that love in me, I found it in a partner. In taking a risk and leaping into a world I was completely unsure of and didn’t know where it would lead, I found my guiding light in a man that people would only be lucky enough to be a part of his life. His love for me and my love for him has also changed me to my core. And I can only hope my kids get to experience this kind of love someday.
In being with my kids the last week and a half, it has reminded me even more why I choose to do this work. While every time I put one of these posts out I am still scared to death, but I do it anyway. For them. I can preach to them until I am blue in the face all about following their dreams and passions in the face of adversity. And always listening to their inner voice instead of listening to fear. And never letting anyone tell them they can’t do something no matter who is telling them. To not even listen to me when making their decisions. To find their path that fills them with joy every day. I can tell them and everyone else this all day, every day. But to really live it is what they will see. What they will remember. It’s one thing to preach it, it’s a whole other thing to live it. To be brave enough to stare judgement in the face and not let it win. To go through those “dark nights of the soul” and still come out to the light. I choose to believe that maybe in some ways, my kids know better than me. They don’t have all those years of shit that adults have. They are more open, more loving, more connected. I could learn something from them! They are more resilient than we adults will ever be. And all I ever want for them is to learn to trust in themselves. Because the more they do that and the more they love themselves, the more others will do the same. If this world was filled with more people following their passions, imagine how much love would be spread??
All I can ask for is that I am strong enough to let them grow into whatever it is they are supposed to, without putting all my “shit” onto them. And while it may be and has been hard as hell at times to not jump in and tell them what they “should do” or force my way on them, I see the beautiful people they are evolving into. The beautiful people they already are and were the second they came into this 3D existence. I see that by me following my path, they have grown stronger on theirs. I have a much different relationship with my kids now than I ever did being with them every day. I am present when I talk to my daughter three times a day, every day. I know she knows I HEAR her now. She is a different child then she was her first 8 years of life and our relationship is much deeper. And while my relationship with my son has been a roller-coaster the last 7 months, the second we are together it’s as if nothing has changed. That bond we share and that connection we have can never be taken away no matter the distance or what or who tries to come in between us.
I realize there are many people who will shout all sorts of things they think they know about me or my journey. Especially when it comes to my parenting or my kids or the way I choose to live my life. And I have had to learn to stand my ground and continue to try and see the light and love in others even when they don’t see it in me. I have no regrets and I have seen the transformation this work has done in my own life and in others. And while it most definitely has not been an easy road, I wouldn’t change any of it. I truly feel joy unlike anything I ever experienced before. And THAT’S what I want not only for my children, but for everyone on this earth. To be free. Truly free. To live in love and never fear.
So, I challenge you. For just one day. Make every single choice and decision of that day out of love, and not fear. To listen to that inner voice inside and make your decisions from that voice. To follow your passion for just one day. And see where the unknown may take you…