I came home on a Monday afternoon from Indian Wells, California after the meditation workshop and as the saying goes, I knew it was more painful to stay then it would be to leave. The butterfly had her wings and there was no way she could go back into her cocoon. She left all the old pain behind and didn’t need it anymore.
I sat in my bed, waiting for him to come home, knowing I was about to do one of the hardest things of my life. I heard him walk through the door and my heart stopped. I didn’t know if I could really do it and was so scared. As I listened to him walk around down stairs, shaking uncontrollably and wondering if I could really pull the strength out, a voice, clear as day, as though someone was speaking right into my ear, said, “if you only knew the life you get to have, you would be running out that door”. Wow. That was it. He came up, I grabbed my balls, and told him not to say a word. I was leaving. I didn’t know what that meant, I just had to go. I grabbed my unpacked bag from the workshop and nothing else, and left. I drove to my mom’s and never looked back.
A week later, I knew I had to quit the pain pills once and for all. I had a new perspective on life and myself, but also knew that was the last big break up. It was the final straw in putting Emily to rest. I put myself through opiate withdrawal and went through the hardest 48 hours, physically and mentally of my entire life. Worse then the 2 times I had to push a baby out of me. The withdrawal set in with a fiery passion the first night and I knew it was my body craving the old me; all the old feelings and addictions Emily had built her life on. It felt as though my entire body was filled with crawling bugs and there was no way to get them out except to wait.
I tried mediating, breath exercises, watching movies, everything I could do to distract my mind but nothing worked. I cried a lot and felt defeated MANY times. I begged the universe to help me. At one point I remember thinking, it’s a good thing I don’t have a gun here. But the point is, I still loved it cause I knew it was me getting stronger and stronger and ridding my body of the last remnants of Emily for good. I knew that power I had connected with a week before was with me and that I was going through this misery for a reason. I would force myself to feel the pain even deeper to remind me of how I never wanted to go back to that. I had the suboxine in my purse and could have ended the misery and the pain at any moment. But this was my true path to freedom and I was doing it all on my own, and there was no way I was going to give up.
Seven days later I was finally feeling back to somewhat “normal”, although my body had been dependent on pain pills for over 10 years, so I forgot what normal even felt like. Others tried to tell me that it would take months to feel good and to watch out for this or that. But I didn’t allow myself to listen or buy in to any of it. I made up my mind and the belief that my body was free. And to really top it off, I quit smoking at that point. If I made it through THAT hell, this would be a breeze. And it really was!
Two weeks later I went to another advanced meditation workshop and the person that I wrote down on that sheet of paper back in June, the L letter, walked into my life. Not only was I free, but the universe sent me exactly what I asked for. And now I know, it was because I was free that he came. We had met in Indian Wells California, as he was at the same workshop as well, and spoke on the phone after that. I talked to him at 4 in the morning laying on the kitchen floor that first horrible night of withdrawals as I knew he had gone through his own demons and tragedies and could help me through this. He was the one that kept reminding me that it wasn’t physical, what I was going through. It was just me getting rid of the old Emily.
I finally got 30 minutes of sleep that night laying on the kitchen floor with the phone to my ears. But it wasn’t until we saw each other again that we realized very quickly that this was much bigger than us. That we had been through many lifetimes together and we had finally found each other in this one. To say he is the love of my life is such a disservice to it. It is much more than what I could have even imagined was possible in a partner for me. He is me, the real me, and I feel that every single day. Looking back now, I know it was because I finally fell in love with myself in California that he came, why, what I had longed for months before, finally showed up. He couldn’t come until then. Until I had shed the Emily that kept me hidden and unlovable.
Fast forward almost 7 months later to sitting in a castle and watching that man give an interview on his newly published book. Little did I know it would be the same man that I had read his story on Facebook just weeks before going to the workshop that saved my life in California. So to say unexpected!? HA! The universe definitely has a sense of humor. My life and me are, in every sense of the word, completely flipped upside up! I am not the same person I was a year ago. That person died that weekend in Indian Wells. And it was a rebirth. A caterpillar turned into a butterfly, finally flying free, out of her self made cocoon. She was hidden from the world for many years. But just like a caterpillar has to go through the process, so did she. I thank my now ex-husband and everything else in my life that got me to this point. If it weren’t for me going through that, I wouldn’t have gotten the freedom I feel today. I know my ex husband has a good heart and is a good person…..we just were a reflection of each other’s insecurities. He is a great dad and I am grateful for that. I don’t hold anger or regrets. I trust more in the unknown and live a very different life than most.
My days are filled with love and joy and laughter. Don’t get me wrong, the challenges haven’t stopped….in fact they get bigger. But I come at them from a very different perspective and know it’s just a reflection of what’s going on inside of me. They are learning lessons now. I am not a victim of life, I am a creator of it. And I got to create and now share a business helping others on their journey with the person I love…and what more could you ask for!?
My story is a hard one for me to tell and to share. I kept it hidden for so many years, I formed the belief that that is what you are suppose to do so you don’t hurt others. But it’s in telling it that frees me just a little more. It also gives others the permission to do the same. To speak their own truth. All I want is to reach that one girl. Emily. The Emily that sat in a bed over a year ago crying and not knowing how to go on or if she could. I want to tell her that everything she feels inside is right. That she has the power inside of her to change it all and create the life of her dreams. And to let that light shine for the whole world to see, no matter who tells her she can’t. Yes, she may be scared, but it’s in letting go of the fear that your freedom comes. It’s right on the other side. So if this just reaches her and saves her, I will have done my job…