We have all witnessed quite a range of reactions to the world around us lately. More than ever it has become clear to me that the only reaction that matters is my own.
Fear has ramped up its staff and offers an enormous buffet to choose from, if that’s the table you choose to sit at. No judgement here, if you found yourself taking a bite or going back for a third plate, you’re not alone. I have sat at that table myself. The human mind unvisited is heavily wired to avoid pain at all costs with little understanding of what is actually creating that pain and virtually no emphasis on what may bring genuine, lasting happiness. It has become very popular to joke about 2020 and how it’s been a year of complete chaos. While there is humor in some of this, what’s happening around you ultimately only affects you as much as you decide it will.
For context, I’d like to share with you a brief overview of what my journey this year has consisted of. My mother, who embodies love more than any human I’ve ever met was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s at 59 years young. The industry I worked in took a massive blow, causing the majority of my family who has worked relentlessly for years and years to find themselves laid off. The end of a 14-year relationship with my partner. Oh, and apparently a pandemic as well.
Did fear show up in each of these moments? Absolutely, but do you know what else showed up for me?
An entirely new understanding of what is on the other side of life as we know it. The realization that all I ever wanted for my mom is to be happy, no matter what that looks like. She smiles and laughs with me every single day. In a strange turn of events, there has been so much beauty in this transition for my mother. She has become childlike again, she just wants to enjoy herself and we’ve found a thousand ways to make sure that happens. She doesn’t worry about the bills, schedule, or to-do list anymore. To watch the parent/child rolls reverse and to see the look in my mother’s eyes knowing she has complete trust in me brings me to tears. I’ve stepped into a power that required processing the pain and marching forward with love, because that is the only thing that can create what we both need right now.
Much of my family’s life was sustained on careers that they hated. After being laid off, I was eventually offered a chance to return to my previous position I had for the last decade. Because I allowed myself a little time to look into my heart, I rejected the offer, knowing it was time to step into something that I’m meant for. By allowing space in the absence of my previous career, things that words cannot describe have shown up in my life. People, experiences and opportunities that truly fuel my soul.
While I know of no way to unravel a 14-year relationship without facing heavy realities, if it is done from the heart, what follows will match that vibration. I see my previous partner as a beautifully unique soul with his own journey, not an extension of what I believe will complete me. To love someone enough to look them in the eyes and say I think we both are looking for more in this life is an entirely different level of compassion for another than holding onto them because of the comfort they bring you.
My understanding of love, for myself and for another, has completely transformed. To truly love someone means wanting what is absolutely best for each individual, no matter what that looks like for you personally. Then allowing them the opportunity to pursue their dreams without attaching your own lower frequency needs to the equation. Often people look at the end of a relationship and tell themselves that was a waste of many years. I can say with the purest love in my heart, my time was not wasted. I was blessed to know a soul in a way no one else ever will, and to have someone know a version of me that only existed in our time together. As we said goodbye, he kept repeating to me “thank you for everything you’ve done”. We love each other enough to embody it even through separation. There was no wasted time there.
I share my recent experiences to serve as a reminder that we have the opportunity to perceive everything we encounter however we choose to. This is some of what I have navigated this year, and because of what I have chosen to see, it has been the best year of my life thus far.
What has shown up for you lately? How did you choose to embrace these things? The world itself is constantly undergoing massive shifts and all of this starts from within each individual soul. I see these times as a reminder to pause every unconscious response I have and to look deeper into my own heart. I saw by not reacting to the world around me, the world itself did not suffer from my absence. In fact, it benefitted. When you are clear on who you are and you let love guide the way, you can bring forward an entirely different, gracefully empowered version of yourself.
2020 has presented all of us many opportunities to decide who we want to be. When it is all said and done, it is only as chaotic as you allow it to be. 2020 is not out to get you, it is yours for the taking. I send love to each of you, knowing we all have our own journeys to navigate. Allow the pause. Take time to sit with your thoughts and dreams. Know that you get to choose in every single instance who you want to be and how you want to perceive the world around you.