“Sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken up, changed, and rearranged to relocate us to the place we are meant to be.” – Soul Speaking
As I’ve heard before from a very smart man, sometimes to wake up, we need a wake up call. It was late September of 2016. We had purchased my in laws house with 10 acres just months before. A purchase that I tried with all my might to stop. But in the end, as it always went, I wanted everyone to be happy and God forbid stick to my guns or trust myself. It was a decent sized house with a decent sized mortgage. And I didn’t know it at the time, but the proverbial, straw that broke the camel’s back, thing. Anyway, as I walked into my mom’s bedroom one day (she had just moved to Kellogg to be near me after living in Hawaii for the previous 3 years) I saw a book sitting on her night stand. It was called, “You Are The Placebo; Making Your Mind Matter”. I had never heard of the author but the description sounded super interesting. It was all about the science behind why a placebo pill works and that perhaps we create our lives with our thoughts and emotions. I had never really heard this concept before, but something about it just felt right. Felt good. When the student is ready, the teacher will come. Now, so my first blog doesn’t end up being my whole book, I’m going to speed through the next couple of months. More to come, for sure 🙂
So, I started reading the book and couldn’t get enough. I googled the author, watched him on youtube, watched testimonials of this kind of work one after another, anything I could find, I would watch or listen to. I had never meditated a day in my life before reading that book or called myself a “spiritual person”. I had always believed in “God” or something that was there that was bigger than me but didn’t conform to any kind of religion. I always knew I was an “old soul” and had been called it many times throughout my life. Even as a kid. I hated going to churches for some reason unknown to me and couldn’t stand organized religion. I was a searcher at heart. Nothing had quite fit for me until this. Joe Dispenza turned into Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie. I had always loved Oprah but her newest TV series, “Soul Sessions” became my Sunday ritual. It was like I finally found home and just wanted to stay there every second of the day. I completely immersed myself.
So I started meditating to the meditations in the book, started making small changes in my routine and added other steps on my own as I went. Meditating, as a newbie, was a joke the first 6 months. It was everything I could do just to sit still for 45 minutes, cause of course, I had a life to run. But the more testimonies I watched and the deeper I dove down the rabbit role, the more it just embolden my desire to reach that space. That space of nothing and no one with no feelings of sadness, unworthiness, and all those other shitty feelings. That space of just being.
As I progressed down this path to try and free myself from myself, small changes in me starting happening. I found my voice a little more. I started taking less of my daily dose of suboxen, I drank less, I was more happy and conscious. Of course this means I show up to others in my life differently. And not everyone is ready for that. So as I walked down this path, it just drove me further away from the path I was on and the people I was on the path with. My husband didn’t like the new Emily and definitely had no interest in any kind of “voodoo” cult like stuff like meditation. As the desire to embrace this path became stronger, so too, did the wedge between us. Between the life I was living and the one I knew I was supposed to be living.
I went to my first meditation/quantum physics workshop the following June of 2017 with my sister and my mom. To say that was one of many wake up calls is an understatement. I didn’t tell my husband until the day before I was supposed to leave as I didn’t think I would really be able to pull out the strength to really go. I had never gone anywhere away without him our whole 10 years together. I didn’t know what was going to happen, I just knew I had to go.
I was surrounded by 800 people I had never met before, but never had such a sense of being home as I did in those 3 days. Its like the flood gates opened and the light inside me couldn’t be kept hidden anymore. But one of the things that will live in my memory the most, is sitting there, watching a couple in front of me. The girl rubbed her hand across the man’s back and I could FEEL the love between them. I stared at them and thought to myself how bad I wanted that. I wanted a man to love me like that and I wanted more then anything to share “this work” with the person I loved. I had always known deep down that the man I was married to was not my soul mate. That I was not destined to be with him. But again, fear always ruled. We did an exercise that involved writing down a letter that represented our deepest desire and what that would look like. Mine was L, for love. And my terms were: it had to be unexpected, a full and complete understanding of each other, healthy, my kids love him, successful, follows this work (which was the single most important), I wouldn’t be afraid of it, I would be happy within myself, and I could be myself. Little did I know that at the time I was literally writing a book for my life. I was telling the universe exactly what I wanted. I didn’t know if that would come in the form of my husband, I just knew it was my deepest desire.
To top off the weekend, on the last day, I was dead set on giving the man who puts the workshops on a hug, even though his staff made it very clear we were discouraged from trying to go up to him or ask him a question. I had always been a rule breaker so, to form, I went up during a “share with the person sitting next to you” session and gave him a hug and of course started crying. I told him I almost didn’t make it because my husband thought this was all a cult. I will never forget my whole life what happened next. He grabbed my hands and intertwined his fingers with mine. He looked me straight in the eye and told me to tell my husband that, “Cult was just a 4 letter word for something that people don’t understand”. When he said that to me, it was as if time stopped and no one else was there. It was just him and I in that moment and I could physically feel a shift in me, a release. I didn’t know what had just happened but I sat down and knew with all my being, THATS what I wanted for the rest of my life. Someone to look at me and be with me as if no one else existed. To see me for the real me inside. Looking back, I know now that he was just a reflection of me. Of the me that was trying to free myself. The me that loved me unconditionally and was letting that in just a little bit more.
I left that weekend knowing my life would never be the same. I opened Pandora’s box and there was no way I could close it. The next 4 months would set the ground work for my big escape. Things turned from bad to worse with my husband, as I went to yet another workshop a month later. And to really send him over the edge, I took my 14 year old son with me. My husband was not his dad and I had always known if I was so called special, my son was 100 times more.
Then came September. I went to my first advanced meditation workshop and my life would forever be defined by before this workshop and after it, as someone once told me 🙂 In those 4 days, I finally found that being I had been searching for so desperately. I felt that place inside of me that was pure, unconditional love. I connected with that “God” or Spirit, or Universe….whatever label you want to give it. The higher me. Some call it Kundalini, but all I know is I felt electricity move through my entire body and shook like I never have before. I sobbed and sobbed and never knew so much love could exist. I connected with something that is so much more powerful than me, I knew I never had to be scared again. That I could let go of all those years of pain. I knew I had always been loved, no matter what I had done in my past and that I was NEVER alone. My heart was ripped open and all I could keep saying to myself was, “its real. its real.” It happened multiple times in my meditations throughout the last 2 days and I wanted more. While it scared the shit out of me, it also excited me. I was finally free and knew nothing would ever be the same. Emily died that weekend. She shed her cocoon and was ready to fly…